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February 9, 2011

30 Million Slobs

Here’s a passionate post nobody will like. I’m touching the nerve. Pinching the central nerve of We the People of these United States. No, not the constitution, but booze.

Every year around the holidays (the eggnog/champagne sales season) newspapers print articles with titles like “More research supports moderate drinking” (San Francisco Chronicle, Dec. 25, 2010). It seems to be a pro-alcohol article, drinking is good for your health. We’ve read that before. But the evidence “suggests” that very moderate drinking “a beer after work a few times a week” “may” help people live longer… Yet farther down the page: the research is inconclusive, non-drinkers should not start, the risks associated with drinking alcohol are serious, binge-drinking is always bad (i.e. holiday drinking), tens of thousands of deaths, better ways to reduce stroke or heart attack risk, and pretty soon the article is talking about alcoholism, drunk driving, etc. And the last line: “some people can have one and feel great and that’s it, and for others, there’s no stopping.”

Alcohol is as addicting as heroin, yet not to the same percentage of people. That is, heroin is always addicting, alcohol, among social drinkers in the US, is addictive to about 10%. It seems to be a chemical problem rather than a character flaw. Two social drinkers, even twins let’s say, can drink the same amount for the same amount of time, and one becomes dependent and the other doesn’t. There’s no telling beforehand.

It’s interesting that the percentage changes in different cultures/races. Among Native Americans the percentage of social drinkers who become alcoholics is around 90%, they have no resistance, a couple beers a week is not possible. Among Italians the percentage is one of the lowest anywhere, about 1%, they begin drinking small amounts as children. I know no heavy drinkers here in Sicily, only foreigners. Most Italians that I know, in fact, have never been drunk in their lives. As soon as they get the first buzz, they stop.

In the United States, the number of persons addicted to alcohol, that is who cannot stop drinking at will, is estimated at 25-30 MILLION! An enormous public health crisis, if not the biggest. Do we hear about government intervention? Silence. Is anyone actively fighting this trend? Doesn’t seem like it. Why then is this the best kept secret in our country? Easy. Can you imagine the revenue from 30,000,000 slaves who have no choice but to buy hooch every day for the rest of their lives? It keeps the rich getting richer to pretend that only weak personalities abuse alcohol. Their fault, not ours.

So no one is perturbed by a constant bombardment of mind-controlling messages. On the sports-related ads, the slogan “Grab some Bud,” has become “Grab some Buds.” A subtle difference, but, hey man, I’ve got two hands. The first inning of baseball games is now called the Thirst Inning, implying that real fans down a brewski nine times during a game. Coors Field, Busch Stadium, Miller Park, Milwaukee Brewers—say no more. Then there’s football, the drunken rowdy sport. Parking lots of puke. They will not show mercy until you yell “Uncle Jack Daniels!”

The drug pushers will not be satisfied until they have all 300,000,000 Merry Cans under their control. World population's now at 7 billion, and the distillers are toasting their new captives. Bring 'em on, first beer's free. Do bartenders like out-of-control drinkers? Duh. And most of them, before closing up, everyone’s gone, all that free liquor….

Imagine booze prices doubling. A few social drinkers might slacken off a bit, maybe, but the addicts will pay any price for their fix. Double again. Why is this turning-straw-into-gold dream/nightmare even legal? Government makes the laws, government collects the taxes. Why are they considering legalizing pot in California? Encouraging self-destruction to fund instruction.

Sober up folks! Don’t let the scammers trick you into dependency. Don’t buy a life you don’t want. The fun wears off, the pain never washes away. You empty the bottle, it empties you. Ain't as harmless as they say. Be strong. Say that’s enough. Don't choose the booze ruse.

Not to mention alcohol and: rape, pregnancy, auto accidents, organ damage, crime, divorce, suicide, obesity, mental illness, domestic violence, etc., etc. Shhh, not to mention.

Oh, and, one more thing, please drink responsibly. All 30 million of you. Us.

Happy trials, Martin

Mutt: Mr. Humbug trying to ruin everybody’s fun again.
Jeff: We can get back at him though. Ready?
Mutt: Have at it, brother.
Jeff: A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
Mutt: A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Jeff: A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Mutt: Well, that’s nothing. They arrested my bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
Jeff: Pedersen is reeling, swooning, down for the count, a few more grog jokes and he’s out cold, a-1, a-2 ...