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October 12, 2012

Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech

Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen:

On behalf of all my fellow citizens of the European Union, I would like to thank you for this prestigious award. I am only one person out of a total of around 500 million, which is only about 7 percent of the world population, so for you to single out our small group as worthy of such a great honor as this year’s Nobel Prize for Peace is truly humbling.

Personally, I was not always a European Union member. I visited quaint little Europe first in 1975 and again in 1979, but the second time I stayed. Now I proudly carry the passport of the European Union through the check point at the airport or sometimes I carry my U.S. passport, depending on which line is shorter. In any case, being a member of the European Union has been, frankly, a convenience.

Sixty years of peace – an achievement worthy of celebration. Okay, let’s not count the wars in Ex-Yugoslavia, the Ex-Soviet Union, terrorist attacks or other unpleasantries. All those bodies are such bad p.r. Let’s focus on our pacific international relations with our European brothers and sisters. Naturally we all hate one another, but we have found that a large-scale war fought in our countries is a very bad thing. That’s why we support the fighting of wars as far away from us as possible. We are not savages nor are we elitists. And please stop sending all those dark-skinned people here. Unless they're tourists.

We also have the problem of where to put all our garbage and fortunately there’s the third world to take care of that. Including nuclear waste and other toxins which are really quite a nuisance. But all we have to do is pay, like we pay our maids, who all come from those countries too, and any problem can disappear magically so that we can live in peace and wealth.

Perhaps having a strong stable continental economy—uh oh, we’re on the brink of disaster again—not only provides a high standard of living to protect, but also lets us somehow buy peace. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about politics or economics. I just know that we will never support another war in our great lands, even while we arm other countries and let them have at it.

Anyway, I talked to some friends today, and we all agree. We are very grateful for this prize because we feel we deserve it because we are the most peaceful people on earth.

Happy trials,  Martin


Mutt: Good day, Sir Jeffery, how’s be-eth it hangin’?
Jeff: Sorry, can’t talk to you right now. I’m studying for a test.
Mutt: Oh great, I’ll help you.
Jeff: No, please don’t.
Mutt: Where is Venice located?
Jeff: Um.
Mutt: Buzz! In Venice-zuela. Why are meteorologists always nervous?
Jeff: Do we have to …
Mutt: Their future is always up in the air.
Jeff: Right.
Mutt: Why are there no floods in Paris? Here, I’ll give you this one. Because the water is always 'eau.
Jeff: Okay, so why did the blonde throw butter out a window? Because she wanted to see a butterfly.
Mutt: I think that’s incorrect. In any case, why do ambassadors never get sick? Give up? Diplomatic immunity.
Jeff: This is very helpful.
Mutt: Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed?
Jeff: Can we …
Mutt: They’re down is in the dumps.
Jeff: That stinks.
Mutt: Why isn't whispering permitted in class?
Jeff: Please.
Mutt: Because it's not aloud.
Jeff: Alright, I’ve got one and then that’s it. Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers?
Mutt: Oh I know this, no I don’t.
Jeff: Professional courtesy.
Mutt: You lost me.
Jeff: That’s life.
Mutt: What’s life? …