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March 16, 2010

Will the Circle be Unbroken?

Mother nature, mother Earth, mother tongue, the motherland—what goodness the one who knew us first and best.

A time for clinging and a time for breaking away, recalling embrace and no one there to embrace anymore. Chilliness, missingness, wrongseemingness.

‘Member the water cycle: evaporation-precipitation? The tears she shed when I left in 1978 I reused when she left last week, shivering under a shadow blanket on a Delta airplane that, though racing at 550 mph, could never make it on time. No point in even going to the hospital. And, yesterday, in visiting the cemetery I was too early—no marker yet, no ashes. Incurable bad timing, forgiven I know.

Well-accompanied by Dad (stronger than he looks), three tall brothers and a sister who’s really a cousin. And well wishes, many messages of affection—maybe she’s telling me to can it with the invisible man fantasy. People aren’t blind: they saw her; they see me. I am her son. I can do better.

They didn’t all see her as I did though—my only mother (thanks to me), her only son (for a couple years), but they took note despite the quiet and private. I was impressed how good ol’ Ma impressed them so. It’s not the squeaky wheel after all.

I heard less “better place” nonsense, and it angered me less than I expected. Still I am angry Mom can’t just be here like before. Like always, to count on. A part of me. Bye.

And finally I might know what this means:
Happy trials, Martin

Mutt and Jeff will return next week.


Dave said...

She was a good Mom, a good lady and a good friend. I hope the circle will be unbroken.

Graham Moody said...

I was saddened to read your post. I can tell you from experience that you never get over the death of your mother. You just get used to living with a hole in your heart.

E. Martin Pedersen said...

Thanks Graham, I just got back to Sicily, back to wife, family and friends here, and back to work where I wear a thick sweater to hide the hole. I feel like my daily grind is a walk through soupy cement about a foot thick, that is slowly hardening as I venture forward.