September 24, 2010
The Bush League Defense
There is this to be said in my defense. Almost anyone who can trace their ancestry back to the colonial period in American history is related to some presidents. The Bush family is related to just about everybody: fourteen other presidents (inc. Washington, Lincoln and Roosevelt), Winston Churchill, Princess Diana Spencer and John Kerry. There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Americans who are distant relatives of the ex-pres (including Barack Obama). Oh wait, that makes me some extreme distant relative to George’s successor too. I feel better now. (Though I'm tiring of everyone yelling, “Barry, clean up the mess FASTER!!!”)
In case you need a good cry, I found this list on a site about presidential jokes:
George W. Bush Resume
Past Work Experience:
* Ran for congress and lost.
* Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie (The Hitcher).
* Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after all Bush stock sold.
* Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
* With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments in Previous Positions:
* Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
* Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America.
* Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
* Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
* Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of his father's appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments As President:
* Attacked and took over two countries.
* Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
* Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
* First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
* First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips, more than any other president in U.S. history.
* In first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
* Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
* Set the record for fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of television.
* Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
* Presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
* Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
* Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
* Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
* Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
* Ran the most secretive and unaccountable presidency of any in U.S. history.
* Appointed members of cabinet that are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
* First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
* Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
* First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
* Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
* Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
* First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
* Removed more checks and balances, and had the least amount of congressional oversight of any presidential administration in U.S. history.
* Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
* Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
* Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abided by the Geneva Conventions.
* First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
* All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
* Biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
* Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
* First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
* First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
* First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
* Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
* With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
* First U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view his presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
* First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
* Changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
* Failed to fulfill pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
* Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months no leads and zero suspects.
* In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
* Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
* Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category indicator straight down.
Records and References:
* At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
* AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
* Refused to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
* All records of tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records of any SEC investigations into his insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All minutes of meetings for any public corporation he served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* Any records or minutes from meetings he (or VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
* For personal references please speak to daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
You can tell this list is out-dated, and you might contest a point or two (or add others), but the big picture remains: What, Me Worry?
Happy trials, Martin
Mutt: Did you hear that Soupy Sales died?
Jeff: Yeah, a year ago.
Mutt: Oowah! Hit me like a cream pie.
Jeff: Well, old comics never die, they just keep gagging.
Mutt: Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Jeff: Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Mutt: Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Jeff: Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Mutt: Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Jeff: Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Mutt: Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Jeff: Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Mutt: Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....